The issue had to do with some seeming anti-male bromides she had written, pertaining to "seduction" by way of a young woman consuming alcohol and proceeding to have a sexual encounter with a man. She very angrily derides such behavior -- on the part of the guy having consenting sexual contact with the conscious/responsive but intoxicated female -- as seduction. Then, Miss Seraphic proceeds to make statements that seem to conflate this activity with a form of sexual assault (i.e., "it is not yet" considered rape legally, or at least that's how I picked it up). Of course, a number of U.S. college campuses, and some radical feminists, would press the issue.
Now it seems like a productive and open forum for both sexes may be opening, so long as women are willing to oblige. So much to her credit, Aunt Seraphic fesses the following:
"So why did poor little Seraphic (age 27) hate (most) men so much, eh? Could it have anything to do with the row of Andrea Dworkin books on the shelf in her bachelor apartment? Maybe. But it probably had more to do with 17 years of disappointment with male behaviour."
"adolescence brought all the disappointments of unrequited love, which I suffered probably every day. And I do mean every day...But it was the worst in high school..."
"I did rather better, socially speaking, in university where, I now realize, I was a heartbreaking menace, the rose-stem chomping bane of Nice Catholic Boys (well, a few of them anyway). But, unfortunately for him and me, I married Mr Protestant Totally Wrong, and that was a total nightmare and led to being divorced at 27, reading Andrea Dworkin and weeping on Shrinkie's couch."
"I understand why it is easy to hate men...All you have to do is hold a friend's hand as she cries because that man she had a crush on for so long used her and tossed her aside like a tissue. All you have to do is think about what bad stuff has happened to you. Soooooo easy to hate men. So tempting. But a seriously bad idea."In the end:
"It is a seriously bad idea because if you get into the mental habit of hating men--and I know you might have very compelling reasons for doing so--you are not going to be able to see good men or the good in men who sometimes annoy you. The bad stuff will get blown way out of proportion. And so will the stuff that other women find only moderately annoying."In all frankness, I never doubted this sort of trail of events in picking up on Seraphic's weariness of men. Dworkin wrote precisely to seize upon existing post-revolutionary discontentment women had from their dealings with the other half, who were increasingly viewed as cads. But Dworkin's views of pre-feminist sexuality weren't much nicer.
A couple of things still do come to mind, speaking as a man:
1. If I or any other guy wrote this sort of thing on a blog -- about how and why we've been bitter about women -- we'd have "no credibility," we'd be "misogynists," "desperate losers," etc. Women can whine all day about men, but not vice versa. In fact, in most modern Western societies, men are to put up and shut up. The results have not just been bad for us, but for the institution of marriage and all society.
At the same time, Aunt Seraphic deserves heaps of credit for being so forthright about this.
2. Tons of guys are now met with tons of single young adult women like the former Seraphic, circa age 27. We must hear their carrying on about their exes and formers, be viewed with constant self-righteous suspicion, "prove" ourselves worthy by showing her what a true lady she is -- with our wallets hanging open and outward, that is -- all to be found guilty nonetheless, though of some lesser charge. Too vanilla. Too nice. Still too pushy. Too close to his mother. Not enough steady employment in his life. Too many gaps between relationships. Doesn't attend Mass at the right sort of church. On and and frickin' on...The next guy must figure out which reparations to make for the last guy, or guy before that, who tossed her away.
3. It's still important to clear the air once in a while. Men and women are divided like never before, and people must always compete with expectations being mis-matched. It sounds so trite, but there's usually a dearth of honest and forthright communication between men and women, even going into a relationship. It's after he puts on the ring that we finally start sorting out our differences in religious faith, who does the laundry and how, etc. By why rock the boat when we can just keep things light, right?
4. She picked the bad ass over the Catholo-platano nice guys. What a shock. Given this, it's even more unfair to hate most men, but unfortunately too many guys are either/or. You've either got the chinstrap-bearded, ear-pierced biker hero; OR the parted-haired, rimmed glasses handerchief-carrying mama's boy. A total testosterone imbalance and a seeming limit on options for many young women.
I agree with Seraphic when she decries young chauvinists, using orthodox faith as their pretext, who attempt to dictate the terms of female modesty to their girl friends. Or desperate blokes who pressure women to do anything, which is always unattractive. And she deserves the ultimate tip of the hat for placing so much effort into focusing single women onto that which Truly matters, beyond banalities of single life.
Since this isn't the Seraphic fan blog, what about me then? I am BITTER?
Hell NO.
There are just too many single women available to meet and date, to be bitter about this one or that, however many years ago. Sure, I've had bad experiences -- mostly disappointments -- not major romance trauma. I acknowledge that many people do, BUT this includes men.
Part of this is, starting with online dating nine years ago, I knew to run the other way whenever a date introduced incessant chatter about an ex -- even if it was positive. She can have all the time she needs to deal with whatever her residual feelings of him (or them) may be; I have every right to move on and find someone who is truly emotionally available.
I've had many fewer relationships than other men of their early 30s, though I maintain the unique vantage point of living vicariously through the tales of many others. If you're boxed into one long-term relationship, chances are that will form the locus of your experience. If I'm a drug counselor who listens to addicts all day, then I surely know well the "life of an addict," even if I've only experimented once or twice (NEVER have, actually!)
What I am is frustrated that people spend their time either planning a Disney happily-ever-after with whomever, OR blaming that eventual whoever of the opposite sex (or the sex as a whole) when reality comes crashing down. What we need are honest discussions about proper expectations, and stopping the blame.
In many future posts, I will be describing what I see as the challenges and pitfalls of dating and singlehood for men...
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