Our friends at the National Catholic Register have done it again with this one:
You Might Be In a Liberal Parish If…OR HOW ABOUT
...your family has to split up to find the tabernacle.
...the pastor wears an Izod shirt and introduces himself as "Steve."
...there's maraca's in the band.
...your pastor's last name starts with "Pf".
..."Steve" quotes Hans Kung in his sermon.Absolutely classic. But what's really the prevailing alternative? How do you know you're in a "faithful," modern-day, EWTN-oriented American neoconservative Catholic parish? You know, truly devoted to the pontiff, to insulate your immortal soul from all this now-disappearing dissent? Each point is a little more detailed, but here are a few clues to look for at your church.
...There's more Eucharistic ministers than parishioners receiving Communion.
...The sign of peace last twenty minutes and includes bear hugs.
...The scariest four letter words to your parish council aren't H.E.L.L but EWTN.
...the DRE is a female Episcopalian priest.
You might be at a neocon parish if:
...they play "traditional" music, that is, by the St. Louis Jesuits and David Hass, or "On Eagles Wings," but on the pipe organ accompanied by a violin. Sometimes even with bagpipes. How solemn, at least no guitars and drums, though!
...Every Sunday Mass includes a meditative post-Communion rendition in Latin, alternating between either Franck's "Panis Angelicus" or Schubert's "Ave Maria" ONLY. That is, with a synthesizer backdrop.
...the pastor is 35 years old, and really does look like he's wearing a black skirt while prancing around the parish center in his cassock.
...Father Connell, the young pastor, prays in Latin with a lisp.
...Father Connell's best friend, Gary, is a layman. But he's always at the church helping out, also wearing a cassock.
...The tabernacle is in the center of the sanctuary alright, behind the altar. But it's bronze and the size and shape of a mini-refrigerator.
...The incense Father uses smells like frankincense with a mothball preservant.
..."John Paul," not "Francis," is Pope.
...When Pope Francis is referenced, it's about "how much like" John Paul II he really is.
...No social justice committee here. Pro-life dominates.
...But we don't want to degrade younger women with the Pro-life message. So the pro-life committee mostly talks about how younger, potentially impregnating men just need to "man up" and "find jobs."
...Air-conditioning the church was so costly, that those new Mary and Joseph statues are both made of Styrofoam.
..."The Crusades" refers to Bush's War On Terror.
...The votive candle stands in the narthex are electric.
...The pastor is always saying how all 20 teenagers in the youth group constitutes a "huge faith revival."
...There's incredible preaching about True Mortal Sin. That is, believing anything "negative" that the secular media says about the Church.
...The DRE (Director of Religious Education) is an ex-Legion of Christ seminarian who scratches out all reference to Fr. Maciel, the true author of his photocopied handouts to the students.
...Father's vestments aren't the 1970's tie-dye ones at all. Rather, they look like they're made of actual fancy Italian restaurant tablecloth fabric.
Now the stereotypical liberal parish (as described) has been fast disappearing since the 1990s, along with the clapping and banjo-guided singing. But what's been replacing it is a bunch of sanctimonious, hyper-sentimentalist, clericalist drivel. Hyperbolizing the liberal parish as anything "typical," nowadays, only steers attention away from the new set of problems now in place.
Even some "liberal" parishes evolve:
